You feel there is nothing left. You feel there is no hope...there is no longer any small bit to hang onto. The baby is gone...gone from Earth. You begin to wish you would have done things different. You begin to wish you would have had just one more moment. You begin replaying scenes from the hospital in your hear wishing it was all different. You wish you could have left with a baby in your arms. You wish...
On Sunday our pastor talked about how as Christians we sometimes pray for miracles, we pray for complete healing, etc but when that doesn't happen we have 2 choices. We can either get mad and turn AWAY from the Lord or we can turn TO him. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
A little more than 5 years ago Mark and I started on this journey...the journey of "being parent's who have lost a child." I have said it before and I will say it again..."it" doesn't get easier you just learn how to deal/cope with the pain you feel. There will always be a void..."Many are the plans in a man's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21
Now, as Christians we stand firm in believing we are living God's plan. When tragedy strikes people watch, they talk, they even critique your every move. I made a choice 5 years ago I was not going to turn AWAY I was going to turn TO God. This is my story, he wrote it and it's perfect in his eyes. There are still days that are terrible. There are days I hurt physically when I think about Ryder. It hurts my heart to know the same thoughts will be shared about baby Gabriel. I do smile when I think about those 2 boys in Heaven with Jesus together...probably playing just like their Daddy's did when they were young.
But at the end of the day...I choose to let others watch, let others talk, and let others critique my every move as I remain to be steadfast in my Lord because he will never leave me. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world give. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27