Wednesday, July 13, 2011

JOY

People say it all the time..."God works in mysterious ways." I believe that but I feel that comment is an overused line. (maybe?!?!) Anyway, I don't write everything I feel in this blog just because I feel that's kinda weird and I personally don't like to throw everything out there. Ha! Though as we deal with the death of Ryder daily we also get to experience the life of Wyatt. I don't want to always be a Debbie downer, the Lord doesn't want that from me. So...with that said there are something I want to post about because it is my life but also sometime my heart is heavy and I truly feel the Lord telling me to write it. This post is one of those.....

The time leading up to Wyatt's first birthday was so hard. Actually hard isn't really a good word to use. I had so many thoughts in my head. I had so many flashbacks from the year before. If I had a $1 for every time a "what I was doing last year at this time" thought popped into my head I would be rich. We celebrated Easter the few weeks before I went into labor and Mark STILL will NOT look at the pictures of me. He says it still hurts to see my belly...to see his wife carrying his 2 sons. The closest he got to them together, while they were breathing was touching my belly, feeling them move...on my belly. It's tough. We both seem to have things that get to us and it's crazy the difference in what sets each of us off. It's better that way...when there is something/or a situation that is hard for both of us it takes my breath away. Like physically takes it away, I can't breath...sometimes I can't see or hear what's going on around me. All I can see is Mark's face and the pictures in my head. I can't see by the look on his face what he is feeling at that moment is the same as me.

Wyatt's birthday came and went. It was the best 1st B-day party I have ever been to. I mean...I planned it...had friends and family help decorate and SO MANY people come show their supports to us and Wyatt for his special day. It was perfect. Mark and I decided the day we buried Ryder that that day would be "the day" we would let our selves be sad....we don't want Wyatt to grow up remembering us being sad on his b-day...as we celebrate HIS LIFE! So June 5th it it....June 5th is the "sad day." June 5th came and went.

I think in my head I thought after a year I would be better. One of the hardest things for me is realizing that this is my life. This isn't ever going to "get better" or "go away," we have to just learn how to just deal with it. I am a planner, an organizer,  a goal setter, so when I can't check something off my list it bothers me. 

We have been told to find the good in every situation right?!?!? Just last Sunday I decided to change the word "good" to "joy." I went to church Sunday with just Wyatt. (Mark had a seminar and was at school) I was in the sanctuary during the service by myself. Before the pastor began his sermon there was a time of prayer. A time where prayer partners stood at the front and were there to pray with people. I felt lead...to have an elder of the church pray with me. I fought it for a while...what seemed like forever..then I just got up and walked down the isle. I had a lady picked out from my seat (you know we all do it, the one we are drawn to, the one we wouldn't mind praying with, the person that we think is okay to let be in our face). Just as I got close someone took her (as if she was mine, ha) so I had to go to the lady right next to her. A little older...little did I know..."God works in mysterious ways."

I began telling her my story. I was holding back the tears...trying to anyway. She looked at me right in the eyes and said "I am so sorry, I have twins and I can't imagine your pain." There was a reason the lady "I picked" wasn't the one I was praying with. I felt so close to this lady...she carried twins...she knows what it's like...she knows the emotions the 9 months of worry (more than the normal worry), the size growth I went through, she knows....she understands because she did it. She began to pray with me. She prayed many things over me, she prayed I would have JOY (something my mom always said to me). JOY in every situation. As she prayed she stated the fact that she had also lost a son...she prayed with me.

That was Sunday...my mom bought me a new Bible study (brave, honest questions women ask, written by:Angela Thomas) to begin and as I was completing it yesterday this is what I read:

"Grief exhausts the body and the soul. Almost everyone i know has experienced the pure exhaustion that comes to us from grief.  The psalmist said: "I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with tears. My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out." 
(Ps. 6:6-7)

We can know great sorrow over our loses, our circumstances, and even our own choices.  The soul grieves for many reasons, but the Bible is so clear: Grief empties us of strength. It will completely wear us out.

Grief makes you tired. 

Wearies your heart, mind, and soul."

This hit home....it's so true. I hope you took this time to read this and take an extra moment with the Lord today! Happy "hump-folks!"

8 comments:

  1. What an incredible, uplifting story! You are my hero!!

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  2. Such an amazing story! I pray you do find Joy in all lifes journeys. Will you please let me know how you like the knew study? I will be needing a knew devotion soon. I have seen Angela speak and she is amazing. bcprice685@yahoo.com

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  3. Great post!! God certainly does work in mysterious ways. I'm really glad you found someone to pray with you who really understands part of your journey. What a beautiful, heart breaking, amazing journey it will turn out to be!

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  4. Interesting how as I did the study for the second time, knowing you were doing it now, I prayed that God would allow your heart to hear His words of comfort, of affirmation that HE LOVES YOU, and that he will continue to bless you and keep you and give you peace. Yes, yo are right, this is your life. Give God glory as he walks with you through it. The JOY of the Lord is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10
    Much love,
    Mom

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  5. I just got the most intense set of chills on a hot July day while reading your words. Know that you are touching others by allowing yourself to process and document your own thoughts and feelings.
    Hugs,

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  6. Emily- I know you don't personally know me. (I am Billy's friend Andrew Mueller's sister in law) I have followed your blog for about a year now and haven't ever commented. This time I felt I needed to. You are so brave and your heart is so tender to the Lord. I pray that you are comforted by his love and his word. You are such an inspiration to me, and i'm sure many others.
    Be Blessed,
    Hillarie

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  7. Such a great post! I just starting reading your blog, but you are such an inspiration. Thanks for reminding us to find JOY in everything.

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  8. You have such wisdom...it truly amazes me. Praying you can find "joy" in all things...even in "this".

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I always love what you'll have to say...thanks for stopping by!

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