Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Birth Story....

I didn't think I would ever write this post, for more than one reason. One, I didn't even think I would lose a child, that Mark and I would lose a child. (not that anyone ever does) Then after losing a child I didn't think I would ever be able to write about their "birth story." Finally, the other day I decided this "birth story" was not only the worst day of my life but also the why would I not want to document the birth of our children? I worked on this for a long time, I decided not to post pictures though. I have the images in my mind. They will be. there. f-o-r-e-v-e-r. We have a few prints in a special place but I think words are enough for this post.
When I reflect back on the day the boys were born it was not the typical emotions a mom usually feels.  For me, the day I met my Wyatt and Ryder was not filled with the normal emotions. We can't go back and change that day. It is and will forever be "our story."

A little background....
October 2009
I was 4 days "late." (sorry if tmi) Mark and I had recently come up with "our plan." Settled and both agreed we we were going to wait to have children until he was almost out of school. the title of the book states..."We plan, God laughs." I thought to begin trying to figure out what was going on I needed to weed of the possibility of pregnancy. We were running to Target that night so while we were out we just grabbed a pregnancy test. When we got home I took the tests test. The rest is history....

It was a Saturday. Mark and I worked outside cleaning up our yard a bit. It was a warm day too! A friend of mine was getting married. The wedding was in St.Louis, kind of. It was about an hour from our house. We attended the wedding that afternoon. I felt nothing out of the ordinary..I mean I was HUGE at this point.

(I know, I can't believe I posted this picture but words CANNOT DESCRIBE.This was at 34 1/2 weeks.)
I was 35 weeks 6 days. We didn't go to the reception so after the wedding we grabbed a bite to each with our friends, Malerie and Brent. (Mexican might I add) After dinner we went back home.
I went to sleep that night just like I had been for almost 9 months, on my side with 2 pillows. One pillow to hold up my GIGANTIC belly and the other between my legs. I woke up around 1a.m. with back pain. I didn't really have back pain throughout my pregnancy ( I owe it all to being adjusted MY ENTIRE pregnancy. I mean who can gain over 50 blah pounds, carry twins for 36 weeks and not have back my soap box there.) so I knew something wasn't right. Last time I went to the Dr. I was dilated to about a 1 1/2 and was 80% effaced(sp?). My Dr. told me once I had 6 contractions an hour to come in. I started counting. I had 6 in 33 minutes. During this time I tried to wake Mark twice and he was still not all the way awake. When the 7th contraction came I REALLY tried to wake him. Finally he was listening to what I was we decided to pack up and head to the hospital. It was around 2 a.m. at this point. On the way to the hospital we called our parents and Mark's brother. We got checked in and settled at the hospital. The nurses immediately started trying to find the babies heartbeats using the monitors on the outside of my belly. The boys heart rates we always REALLY close so it was hard to find both. This went on for at least an hour. My Dr. just left the building for home...5 deliveries that night he needed to get some sleep. The on-call Dr. attempted to find the heartbeats. She finally decided to just bring in the ultrasound to be able to see where/how they were laying to try to locate the heartbeats. I was still have contractions at this point and they weren't really hurting but were uncomfortable for sure. While looking at the screen she was struggling trying to find one of the babies...she stated she finally found it but that they were laying right on top of each other so she didn't know if she could get both with the outside monitors. At this point they decided to check and see if I was dilated or if they were going to send me home. I was about 4 cm and 90% effaced. I was staying!!! When they called my Dr. he said he was on his way up and they were going to break my water so they could put an internal monitor on one of the boys to be able to watch things a bit closer. The nurses were kinda going crazy at this point because I still didn't even have an IV in yet. When my Dr. arrived he broke my water...which WAS NOT EASY. It took a LONG time, when it finally happened it took FOREVER to stop. (sorry about tmi) My Dr. then began trying to hook up the internal fetal monitor. He tried and tried. After a while of trying he decided to do an ultrasound himself. During this ultrasound there was tension. It grew....until finally our Dr. said we need to go ahead and deliver by c-section! It was just like that my world was turned upside down. I remember Mark praying aloud and me being wheeled off.....I was rushed into the OR. Inside there was lots of nurses, many Dr. came running in and I remember asking for Mark. They began prepping me for surgery. I was completly put under, Mark was not allowed in the room. I was finished in less than 6 mins. There was no magical moment, no "holding the baby," seeing Wyatt...hearing Wyatt, looking at Mark. We had none of that. I was all the way put to sleep and Mark was kept outside the room. (that situation puts a whole new meaning to emergancy c-section)

When I awoke I was in a room with Mark, the Dr. and my 2 precious boys. Mark looked at me, a look I will NEVER forget and said "Ryder didn't make it." Ryder's cord was wrapped around his neck. Mark was holding both our boys but one was already sitting on Jesus's lap. While I was put under I was given drugs to help me stay calm in this situation. It hurts my chest to even type this. Words don't even describe the feeling. There was already LOTS of family there. Mark was the one who had to share the news. What a tough job. My sister called some friends and also explained the situation so we would not have to continue to tell the story. I held him....Ryder was EXACTLY like Wyatt, a little smaller but identical.

I wish that day we would have spent some more time as a family, a family of 4 here on Earth but we didn't. I can't go back...I will cling tight to the time we spent together.

When I saw Wyatt for the first time...oh...again no words to even describe the feeling. It was really hard to have emotion, I was so numb. It wasn't the "normal" first time mommy holding her child. I look/looked at him and see Ryder then and still now. He was so precious. (and still is...!!!) The delivery was so fast  Wyatt's neck was cut and he had to have plastic surgery within a few hours of his birth. What a tough boy!!!

The next few days were so hard. We cried a lot. Smiled and laughed a lot too! There were so many emotions. We had tons of visitors. There were and still are so many people praying for us. I know this birth story was written even before we experienced it. God knows what he is doing, for some reason he gave this to Mark and I. He doesn't give us something we can't handle...that's what I keep telling myself over and over and over again. Boy, he must thing we are strong!

I know this post is SO SO long but I don't want to draw it out in multiple ones. It was hard to write...

Mark and I came home on Wednesday and spent time as a family. We cleaned out and reorganized the nursery...really hard to do. Lots of tears. I remember I kept thinking about how this was "supposed" to be...bringing your first child home from the's such a joy.

Then Saturday, June 5...will forever be one of the worst days of my life. Mark and I buried our child. The same man who married us did the service. He did a great job. We kept the funeral small, just immediate family was there.

We have enjoyed Wyatt so much. I can't imagine what our life would be like without him. He is such a joy! What a birth story right?!?!? We continue to stay focused on the Lord. We know this is his plan. He knew this before we even knew we were expecting! Some days are harder than others be we have the Lord to lean on in hard times (and the good time too!). I thank him daily for Wyatt, an amazing husband, and supporting family. It's times like these you either choose to grow closer or let something tear you apart. Mark and I have chosen as a couple to grow stronger. We lean on each other and rely on God as our backbone.

We have realized this isn't something you "get through." It will be here forever, sometimes that's harder to swallow than others. It will never go away. Time and the Lord will heal our pain.

We look at Wyatt and can see Ryder...smiling at us, laughing at us....watching over his brother. It was spoken "Wyatt will receive a DOUBLE portion, Isaiah 61:7" Wyatt is amazing, he is an amazing little baby...God gave us a gift....we will follow his will.


  1. Thank you for sharing, it was touching. Maybe I missed it, but what happened to ryder?

  2. Oh Emily. My heart breaks for you all over again. I can't even imagine what you went through and what you go through daily. You are so strong for sharing your story. I know we have all been curious to know what happened to sweet Ryder but it's your story and you didn't have to share it. Thank you for sharing though. I don't have any insightful words. Just know people think of you and pray for you.

  3. Thank you for sharing something that has been so difficult! Through the last months, you have shown God's love and glory through even the hardest times. It's truly a great witness to anyone that reads the blog. I can't even imagine what you have gone through...I will continue praying for the Schmitz family

  4. Tears tears tears. That's all I can do is cry, and there is nothing anyone can say or do. Thank you for sharing your story. I have heard it said out of your story comes your testimony. Sharing your story can and will help so many others. I pray for you and Mark all the time and I pray God gives you peace each and every single day you are here on earth without Ryder. He is waiting for you!

  5. What an emotional story... I agree with the above comment... There is nothing anyone can say or do...

    Thank you so much for sharing!

    I will be praying for you and your family! Ryder is watching over!

  6. I am in shock of how strong of a woman you are. God gives and takes and sometimes for reasons we will never understand, but we always have to trust in him. Thank you for sharing that story. I'll continue to pray for you and your family.

  7. Thank you for sharing such an intimate story. My heart goes out to you. I pray God's peace over you and your family!

  8. Thank you so much for sharing the story. It brought tears to my eyes thinking of the double set of emotions you would have gone through. Thank you for your testimony through your story as well. I'll continue to pray for you as well.

  9. What amazing faith. God has given you an amazing testimony. Thank you for sharing it!

  10. emily, thank you so much for sharing your story. the LORD has gave you an amazing strength. i can't imagine the pain you went thru and still go thru! just remember your church family is praying for you continually. you are an awesome woman, and someone i have always looked up to at church! this only gives me more reason to look up to you and know that God has the most amazing plan for you (like he has already showed with precious wyatt). love you!

  11. BEAUTIFUL story. Thank you so much for sharing it. You and Mark are so brave. I will keep you in my prayers. I truly believe God only gives you what you can handle, and even though at the time you don't think you can handle it, it makes you stronger for later.

  12. I have never commented before but I have been reading for some time. Thank you for sharing. You and Mark are so brave. I cannot even imagine the pain you experienced and are experiencing. My heart and prayers go out to you.

  13. Emily, you and Mark inspire me daily. Your strength, courage, and faithfulness in the Lord is so encouraging. Wyatt brings so much joy into so many lives, we are so very thankful to be apart of his life and to watch him grow. Know that we love Ryder just as much. Praying for you as always. We love you and your family more than words can express.

  14. thanks for sharing. Praying continually for you and your sweet family.

  15. God is shining through you and this story. You & Mark are so brave! Wyatt is definitely blessed to have you both as parents. You are continued in our prayers!

  16. Goodness! Your story was so touching and it is amazing that you wanted to share that with us. I can't even imagine how hard and scary it must have been. Especially for Mark having to stand outside helpless while you were put under. Amazing strength you both have! You have a tiny miracle and Wyatt is so precious!

  17. Wow Emily! You are such a strong woman! Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us. I'm so happy that you have such a wonderful relationship with Mark and God that this didn't have to tear you apart. I can't even imagine the emotions that you have and are going through. I still pray for you and your family every day. Wyatt is so beautiful.

  18. Wow! Thank you so very much for sharing your birth story. I'm actually a little lost for words right now. I can only imagine how hard it must've been because reading it was already hard for me. Thank you again and I'm so sure your angel Ryder is smiling up in heaven and is looking out for his brother, mommy, and daddy :)
    God bless you and yours and may you and yours continue to bless God :)

  19. Wow Emily, that was so heartbreaking to read- I cant even imagine. Thank you for sharing, I know it had to be hard. You are such a good mom to Wyatt and he will get double the love :)

  20. You are such an amazing family. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been and still is. You said it perfect though - God will never give you more than you can handle. I truly, truly believe this. Praying for you and remembering your sweet Ryder.


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