When I reflect back on the day the boys were born it was not the typical emotions a mom usually feels. For me, the day I met my Wyatt and Ryder was not filled with the normal emotions. We can't go back and change that day. It is and will forever be "our story."
A little background....
I was 4 days "late." (sorry if tmi) Mark and I had recently come up with "our plan." Settled and both agreed we we were going to wait to have children until he was almost out of school. Well....like the title of the book states..."We plan, God laughs." I thought to begin trying to figure out what was going on I needed to weed of the possibility of pregnancy. We were running to Target that night so while we were out we just grabbed a pregnancy test. When we got home I took the
It was a Saturday. Mark and I worked outside cleaning up our yard a bit. It was a warm day too! A friend of mine was getting married. The wedding was in St.Louis, kind of. It was about an hour from our house. We attended the wedding that afternoon. I felt nothing out of the ordinary..I mean I was HUGE at this point.
(I know, I can't believe I posted this picture but words CANNOT DESCRIBE.This was at 34 1/2 weeks.)I was 35 weeks 6 days. We didn't go to the reception so after the wedding we grabbed a bite to each with our friends, Malerie and Brent. (Mexican might I add) After dinner we went back home.
I went to sleep that night just like I had been for almost 9 months, on my side with 2 pillows. One pillow to hold up my
When I awoke I was in a room with Mark, the Dr. and my 2 precious boys. Mark looked at me, a look I will NEVER forget and said "Ryder didn't make it." Ryder's cord was wrapped around his neck. Mark was holding both our boys but one was already sitting on Jesus's lap. While I was put under I was given drugs to help me stay calm in this situation. It hurts my chest to even type this. Words don't even describe the feeling. There was already LOTS of family there. Mark was the one who had to share the news. What a tough job. My sister called some friends and also explained the situation so we would not have to continue to tell the story. I held him....Ryder was EXACTLY like Wyatt, a little smaller but identical.
I wish that day we would have spent some more time as a family, a family of 4 here on Earth but we didn't. I can't go back...I will cling tight to the time we spent together.
When I saw Wyatt for the first time...oh...again no words to even describe the feeling. It was really hard to have emotion, I was so numb. It wasn't the "normal" first time mommy holding her child. I look/looked at him and see Ryder then and still now. He was so precious. (and still is...!!!) The delivery was so fast Wyatt's neck was cut and he had to have plastic surgery within a few hours of his birth. What a tough boy!!!
The next few days were so hard. We cried a lot. Smiled and laughed a lot too! There were so many emotions. We had tons of visitors. There were and still are so many people praying for us. I know this birth story was written even before we experienced it. God knows what he is doing, for some reason he gave this to Mark and I. He doesn't give us something we can't handle...that's what I keep telling myself over and over and over again. Boy, he must thing we are strong!
I know this post is SO SO long but I don't want to draw it out in multiple ones. It was hard to write...
Mark and I came home on Wednesday and spent time as a family. We cleaned out and reorganized the nursery...really hard to do. Lots of tears. I remember I kept thinking about how this was "supposed" to be...bringing your first child home from the hospital....it's such a joy.
Then Saturday, June 5...will forever be one of the worst days of my life. Mark and I buried our child. The same man who married us did the service. He did a great job. We kept the funeral small, just immediate family was there.
We have enjoyed Wyatt so much. I can't imagine what our life would be like without him. He is such a joy! What a birth story right?!?!? We continue to stay focused on the Lord. We know this is his plan. He knew this before we even knew we were expecting! Some days are harder than others be we have the Lord to lean on in hard times (and the good time too!). I thank him daily for Wyatt, an amazing husband, and supporting family. It's times like these you either choose to grow closer or let something tear you apart. Mark and I have chosen as a couple to grow stronger. We lean on each other and rely on God as our backbone.
We have realized this isn't something you "get through." It will be here forever, sometimes that's harder to swallow than others. It will never go away. Time and the Lord will heal our pain.
We look at Wyatt and can see Ryder...smiling at us, laughing at us....watching over his brother. It was spoken "Wyatt will receive a DOUBLE portion, Isaiah 61:7" Wyatt is amazing, he is an amazing little baby...God gave us a gift....we will follow his will.