Thursday, October 7, 2010

I want to slow down...

The title "I want to slow down," I know only I have control over this. Some may say then "stop, just don't do it, relax." I can't....as we enter this busy time of year I want to crawl through it. I want to remember each day. I want to enjoy Wyatt's first holiday season. A LOT! For me to relax and enjoy I have to be "caught up." It's just me, that's my personality. I can't help it. Life is so crazy....I am setting a goal. My blog is keeping me accountable...Nov 8th....(random day I know, I have a reason) I will slow down. I will begin MY FAMILY's holiday season. Ramble.Ramble.Ramble.

As much as I want to slow down I think I am scared. Scared of what it is going to feel like, scared of the hurt, the pain. Mark and I are going to visit Ryder again soon. We want to so bad...it's so hard. I can describe the feeling only one way...it's like your heart is being ripped out of your chest but it's not...it's there and no one is even touching you...it just hurts that bad. My body gets stiff, my chest gets tight and I cry...we cry.

I don't want it to be this way everytime. I want to be happy to see him...but it's hard to visit your child in his grave and be happy. Lately I have read and heard about so many women struggling with having children and/or getting pregnant. I by NO MEANS want to "make light" of anyones experience but I want to say...(I am talking to myself too) God is in control. If you are reading this and struggling know that God has a plan. He is writing your story as you read this. He is in control of your family, he has a plan. Remember that...a few days ago I pulled out pictures from the hospital. Pictures of our family of 4. We will not be a complete family again until Heaven, that hurts. We had him, we held him, we kissed him. There are many more things I wish I could have done with him. He was IDENTICAL to Wyatt, I tell myself everyday he would have been just the same. In a way it's bittersweet. I am able to see what he would have looked like but I everyday I am reminded. I am making a choice to make that a good thing. I am choosing to see Ryder in Wyatt everyday. I will never be without "my boys."

3 comments:

  1. Can I ask what happened to sweet Ryder? I am so sorry for your pain, but you're absolutely right- god is in control. And he had your story written before you were born and this was part of his plan, as hard as it is. He will never gove you more than you can handle, I hope you find comfort in that. Praying for you!

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  2. As the Stairs Family asked, I to was wondering what happened. I can't imgine feeling that pain. It makes me take time to love on boys a little more each day. I appreciate you sharing your heart - it helps many of us no matter where we are in life.

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  3. Thanks for sharing Emily. (I don't know if you remember me, but we went to HS together) My husband and I just lost our baby 5 weeks ago, we didn't even see it coming. I guess you never do... I can't even imagine what it would be like to carry him the whole 9 months and then have to give him up. You are so strong! You are right, God is in control. I've been having to deal with letting go of conceiving and give it to God. It's hard! I just have to keep reminding myself that God loaned these babies to me and he can take them back when he needs them, and I just have to be thankful for the time I was allowed with them. Stay strong!

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